I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
