What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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