Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
