you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
