Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
