Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
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So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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