As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
