Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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