Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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