If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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