The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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