You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
