I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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