i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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