masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
