I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize