Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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