i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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