Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
