NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
