i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
