so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The ass gains better be worth it
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