Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
