I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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