The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
