You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
