Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
