Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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