I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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