im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
