I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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