Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
