I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
