I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
