I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
