bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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