Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
