someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
