Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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