Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
