Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
