Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
