so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
