I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
