he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Your penis caused this!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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