there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I accidentally had phone sex last night
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
