Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
