the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
