Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Operation Purity has been aborted
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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