dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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