I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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