whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
