Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
