i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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