At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The beer is more important than you right now.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
